Dr. Kenney’s Friday 5 Spot
On Fridays I like to share experiences I’ve had during the week with patients and in my personal life that I’ve found significant. I share these in the hope that you might find value in them and have something that resonates with you in your life.
Something I believe. I read a book years ago by a lead interrogator with ATF. Her take home message after years of questioning hundreds of suspects was that everyone has a normal pattern of behavior. Once that pattern deviates, you know something is up. In her line of work, that usually meant suspects were lying and she was getting closer to the truth. In life however, it means things are about to either improve or worsen.
When someone begins eating better, exercising more, studying harder, making more of an effort at work, etc., their pattern is changing positively. If those same behaviors become consistent, only better results should be expected. Conversely, when someone starts showing up barely on time or late, missing opportunities for questionable reasons, putting forth less effort, making excuses, and the like; things are about to go downhill. Conduct like this becomes a slippery slope where standards fall and performance falters. It is often easy to detect these patterns in others but can be more challenging in ourselves. Honestly assess what your “normal” behaviors might be, what’s working, what isn’t, and then adjust accordingly.
An important lesson. When I began competing in ultramarathons, I had absolutely no background in distance running. I trained hard but running anywhere from 31 to 100 miles was far more difficult than I’d imagined. The physical toll was intense, and things I’d never worried about like stomach issues or weather could quickly intensify things. In my earliest races, I would spend miles berating myself for not training harder or being more prepared. I assumed my fellow competitors had it all figured out and were cruising. What I came to understand was that I wasn’t alone in my struggles. Those races were tough on everyone because they’re inherently difficult. This is exactly how life works as well.
Life is not easy, but things often happen out of nowhere that make it brutally difficult. People die, horrible stuff happen to us, we make regrettable mistakes, and more. As these things occur, we tend to look around and believe everyone else is living carefree. The reality, however, is that every person you encounter is going through something. It’s not personal, it’s just how life is. Running all those races taught me not to fear discomfort or uncertainty but to embrace it and remain steadfast. Likewise, that is the most effective approach for life as well. It’s not going to be easy but if you avoid feeling sorry for yourself, keep moving, and giving all you have, eventually you’ll get to a place you’re proud of.
An important concept. Think about the last time someone did something bad to you. How did you react? If you’re like most, you got incredibly angry and reacted with harsh words or actions. Lord knows I’m an emotional person and have done this in epic ways throughout my life, many times in detrimental fashion. Thus, believe me when I tell you that the angry mind is not to be trusted.
Anger is like that extra drink of alcohol that causes you to do and say things you know you shouldn’t. It shifts focus towards what makes you feel better in the moment rather than what will serve you best in the future. I used to think that anger gave me fuel, and though it did, it usually caused me to react poorly. I became focused on my ego and stopped playing chess in favor of checkers. Whenever possible, give yourself even a moment to take a breath and allow anger to subside even slightly. This will hopefully help you modulate your emotions where you can react less emotionally and more strategically. Though it can feel great to give in to anger, we tend to regret it and not feel proud of our actions later.
Something that made me happy. I heard from one of my former players this week whom I’d coached years ago. He’s a freshman in college now but texted me to tell me how he was doing, and we chatted about his playing days. He mentioned a time I’d forgotten about that he said meant a lot to him. We lost an undefeated season in the championship game, and he’d thrown a costly interception. On our final drive, the game was already decided, and we had no shot to win. He had tears running down his face and when I noticed this, I called timeout and came onto the field to speak only with him. I wiped his tears off, told him I was proud of him, that he had nothing to be ashamed of, and that I loved him. Though it seemed like a natural thing for me to do, it was impactful for him.
He explained that when he’d made mistakes in the past, people had piled onto him, made him feel worse, and he became more afraid to try and/or fail. When I came onto the field simply to encourage him and tell him I was proud, he said it was the first time he could remember where that didn’t happen. Our interaction gave him more confidence going forward to simply try his best and let things fall where they may. He’s an amazing young man and already doing remarkable things so hearing that I’d helped in any fashion was a true honor. This was also a reminder that sometimes the simplest things to us can make the most difference to others.
Some quotes I Love.
“Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.” – Stephen Covey
“You’ve carried the weight long enough, now get ready to rise.”