Dr. Kenney’s Friday 5 Spot
On Fridays I like to share experiences I’ve had during the week with patients and in my personal life that I’ve found significant. I share these in the hope that you might find value in them and have something that resonates with you in your life.
Something that helped me. My oldest son left for college this week and I was reflecting on some of my favorite memories of him. One of the most memorable came in 2013 after my marriage ended in humiliating fashion. I found myself a newly single dad, in a new state where I knew no one, starting over in my career with little to no money. After moving into a small apartment, I can recall being extremely nervous and insecure about introducing my sons to this new place that they would now call home for half of every week. As my oldest entered the barely furnished apartment, he smiled at me and said, “daddy this carpet is amazing.” It was not an amazing carpet I can assure you, but it was his sweet 6-year-old way of encouraging me.
My life was at its lowest point back then and my son’s comment was just the glimmer of hope I needed to keep moving forward. As funny as it may sound, I thought of that remark often in some of my most trying times I did not care what it took or what I had to go through, I vowed to become someone my sons could be proud of and make their lives better in the process. Thankfully, within a few years of that comment, everything in my life had transformed for the better. When I was down, my son found a way to encourage me, and I’ve never forgotten it.
An analogy I like. My neighbor has a dog that barks at everything. Anytime I open my door, my kids play outside, I fire up our grill, or anything else; he barks continuously. He’s trying to be protective of his people so it’s understandable. However, they likely tune him out because they hear this so often that it would make it difficult to decipher if there’s an actual threat to be concerned about or not. This same thing is actually common in people too.
Have you ever been around someone who yells continuously or gets stressed easily? To people like this, everything is an emergency and after a time, you begin to tune them out. Like that dog, you begin to assume that they bark no matter what and so you stop paying attention. The opposite and more appropriate form of behavior is to be the calm presence that picks the appropriate times to be firm, raise a voice, or confront someone. This type of person tends to be respected because they are consistent and fair, and people understand any feedback they may offer is meant to be constructive. Train yourself not to be the barking dog but rather the confident person that alerts those around you when necessary, in a suitable fashion
Something that comforted me. In 100-mile races and the serious endurance events I’ve competed in, I always prepare as best I can yet still go in nervous. I don’t expect that things will go smoothly and understand I will eventually face adversity in both expected and unexpected ways. The pre-race training is not designed to make the races easy, but rather to prepare me for challenges and give me the confidence to keep going when times get particularly tough. As my son left for college this week, I was beating myself up and feeling as if I should have done more for him/to help him. Then I remembered those races and thought about how it related well to this aspect of life.
With my children, my job is to train and prepare them as best I can. I do everything in my power to teach them faith, discipline, morals and more; but it will never be perfect. All I can hope for is that like in my races, the training they have is enough to give them confidence in the hard times and point them north. When you expect things to go perfectly, anything other than that outcome will leave you frustrated, disappointed, and ready to take the wrong path. The best preparation in life revolves around expecting adversity while learning to be the type of person that can handle it. As much as I could worry about my son leaving home for the first time, I know he has the traits that can lead him toward great choices and amazing outcomes. Thankfully, remembering that fact gave me great comfort.
A recent interaction. I was speaking to a patient of mine this week that coaches football and joined the staff of a team that went 0-10 last season. He explained to me that the returning players are talented but often show signs of being shell-shocked. In other words, they became so accustomed to losing that whenever something goes wrong, they expect it to snowball and continue. This is common in sports but even more so in life.
When things are going poorly, there is often a gloomy assumption that it will continue forever. This is a dangerous mindset because it often leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy. The best way to handle tough times is to find a way to create even the smallest of wins. In football, this could be a single play, scoring drive, or a solid quarter of gameplay. For daily life, it could entail improved performance, a productive day, better decisions, or any number of things. The key is to give yourself a glimmer into something greater and allow your mind to understand that success is possible. Once you get a few wins under your belt, your mentality changes from expecting things to go horribly to realizing things can always end well.
Some quotes I Love.
“The right doors open when you outgrow the wrong rooms.”
“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up.”